I’m jealous. 

I am jealous of a little girl who is receiving the love and attention that I never received as a child from my biological father. 
I wonder what it feels like.
I wish I knew. 

It wasn’t rape, but it was almost there.

I just wanted to have fun that night. I just wanted to go out. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t sober. I should have known better than to follow him up the stairs. 

But does that mean I deserved it?

X says I did. Y says I didn’t. I trust Y more than I trust X, but it still hurt so much when X said it. It hurts because he doesn’t understand how scared and helpless I felt when it was all happening. I didn’t know that guy would do that to me. I didn’t know that something like that, ANYTHING at all was expected of me. I was just having fun. Does that mean it was my fault?

I said no. 

I said it over and over again. I pulled away. I pushed him away. He didn’t listen. I can still hear his voice in my head. I remember every word he was saying. I just wanted to get away. But I was scared. I was a coward. I was literally cowering on the floor in the hopes of making it go away.

But I let myself be in that position. 

So it must be my fault. 

I don’t know. 

So far, I have a pretty good feeling about it. I’m trying to not get my hopes up too much because who knows what craziness might attack my life later on, but as of now, I am slightly hopeful. 

I pray for peace.

But I can’t stop wondering about him. It frustrates the hell out of me because I really feel like I am starting to get over him and will soon be able to see him as just a friend, but I know that deep down, feelings are still lingering. Case in point: I think he might be seeing someone. And I know for a fact that he is always “talking” to someone. And as much as I know I have no right to know because it isn’t my business in any way, I still wonder. But at the same time, I don’t want to know because I know it will hurt me and it will prolong the healing process. How stupid of me…

I would like to confront him someday about that girl though…I felt pretty stupid after I accidentally saw her text but never said anything. I’m not looking in the mirror, but I bet my face looks pretty sad right now thinking about all of this. 

Well, I shall go work out in the morning and hopefully all those endorphins will cheer me up. 

Good night.

I saw him last week. He looked so good and I loved that I could tell that he still wanted me, physically at least. I promised I would be good and wait out at least a couple months before we try talking again, but gosh it’s been hard. It was so similar to the night we met that I honestly wished it was, just so we could start over again. I even got an unexpected kiss again, albeit one on the cheek. I nearly cried after he kissed me, but I didn’t want him to see so I just pretended to be more drunk than I really was and smiled or looked away. I don’t really remember because I was a little drunk. 

This is kind of weird because we’ve only done it twice, but I really miss watching movies with him. I wonder why. We didn’t do anything in particular, but for some reason, it just felt nice. 

Despite this entry, I want to give myself a little credit though because I’ve made a little progress in that I haven’t called or texted him. I bet he’s doing swell… 

Today I had an evaluation at work because all the employees are finally off probation and apparently we needed to be talked about what we do well and what we still suck at. 

Well…..

I think I might have ADHD. Not a severe case of it, but the managers and leads all collectively agreed that I have problems focusing on work sometimes. That isn’t to say that I’m not an awesome worker because even they admit that despite my antics, I am a solid worker that they appreciate. Yet, I appear to have problems standing still and doing nothing. In my not-so-free, but definitely inactive time, I have created origami hearts to decorate the cash register, cut out a paper crab from leftover pieces of notepad paper, and regularly decorate the front podium with random works of art in the form of my name, cartoons and other bits of typography. I know this is all horrible and I shouldn’t be doing it, but I really can’t help it. Standing still and not talking is definitely not one of my fortes. This job just makes me that much more grateful that I have found design and that no matter where my life takes me, I will have the great fortune of constantly creating and designing things. 

Despite my emo, woe-is-me entries, I must say that I can’t help but think that I live a truly blessed life. I love. I laugh. And I still live. It’s so cliche, but it’s so true. I’m sure that I will be crying miserably in a week or maybe a month and bemoaning my existence, but as of now, I am happy to be alive and I am grateful for all the things I’ve learned in 2010, this awful, AWFUL year. I don’t hope for brighter days in the upcoming year; simply better ones. I don’t wish for happiness; I just really don’t want to cry. 

I feel guilty for having abandoned my Xanga, but I just really, really like the layout I picked for my tumblr. Haha. Oh blogs, you do make me a happy girl. Tomorrow, I just may post a little picture I drew in my state of unhappiness, but only because I kind of like how it looks, even if it is a little depressing. Until then, good night, dear tumblr of mine.